Dear Santa,

I can’t say I have been all that good this year. For the most part I have been fairly unpleasant to be around. It’s difficult to try to explain why, I’m not sure I really know. Anyway, I’m sure that a good portion of my struggles were of my own creating, or at least my own poor choice of reaction to events. That probably means I don’t deserve much this year, so I’m not gonna ask for much. At least not anything of monetary value or anything that needs built by the elves or physically delivered. I would hope you may consider giving me a few things to help make 2012 a better year than the last one. I could really use a good friend just to listen and understand me, one that I don’t have to pay to do so, or risk being criticized by. I really need a full-time job desperately Santa. One that I will be good at and will fit into my messed up schedule. I could also use a new perspective on life too, one that’s not so gloomy. I’m not too sure the elves can deliver on any of those things though. I’m hoping you can bring our world leaders a clue too. They all seem to have forgotten the common people in favor of their power, corporate greed, and election campaigns. While I’m at it, I’d like world peace and a general end to everyone’s suffering. You know I would pray and ask God to please, please, pretty please help me with those things too, but I’m sure He’s sick of hearing the same old selfish things from everyone anyway. And besides that it’s supposed to be His birthday celebration. I figured it would be rather selfish and rude to ask anything of Him at this time. And why would God give any of us anything anyway, when we all seem to have forgotten him a long time ago. I know your a busy guy, but I hope you can help us out Santa. I know shopping malls, retailers, and countless children are depending on you too.

Thanks for your time and and all you do. Merry Christmas to you too!

PS – Say hello to Rudolph and Mrs. Clause too.

Pisces – Dec 18th Horoscope

“Many people have dispensed the following advice: Fight fire with fire. But
doesn’t that sound like it would be a bit counter-intuitive under certain
circumstances? Wouldn’t it be far better to fight fire with water? Someone is
getting you all riled up right now, Pisces. This person is inflaming your
passion and your anger, and stirring up trouble in the process. While it may be
true that you have a legitimate reason to be upset,the advice to get angry and
get even is the wrong way to proceed. Grab the water bucket and cool things down
if you don’t want to become engulfed.”

Unfortunately I don’t think those who hurt me will ever learn or care to see that they even have. Maybe some are happier if I would just disappear with my pain and forget. And some are surely too stupid to ever see. But some should at least notice or care, I would think….or maybe I’ve just been wrong all along. I suppose I am pretty stupid, foolish, and naive, after all. But, as I see it, the end result is ultimately the same. It only serves to harden my heart for those who just don’t care enough to see. Some of those have spent their whole lives at a safe arms length away, never really knowing me, and not even seeing a problem. Maybe some always will. All I can say is those aren’t the type of people I foresee myself staying around. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of being snipped at. I’m tired of being talked down to like a child. I’m tired of trying to understand your issue and never having it be me who’s understood for just once. I’m just plain tired of hearing your problems and/or your complaints. I’m tired of being everyone’s idiot. You want to know me? That’s the sure way to NOT know me. I deserve someone who will care enough to understand me too. Unfortunately I just don’t know anyone like that.

I suppose I put it into better words years ago. At the time I couldn’t really fully appreciate what the issue was until years later. So I will re-post that again… I will even spell out it’s intent (in brackets).

The One Alone

Within my heart there are a thousand mansions, (huge glorious relationship)
With room enough for all (your) cares and concerns,
A place to give with room to enter, (would do anything for you)
But no one knows, Who is the renter? (significant other)
But still in my heart there is an emptier, (my space)
A place much darker and harder to find, (buried, hidden)
Barley a shack does stand here,
Amidst the darkness and the fear, (anxiety, fear, depression, etc)
Where skeletons live and trash is thrown,
The one inside lives all alone, (lonely)
Lives alone and works the same,
Cares after the mansions and has no name, (servant)
But should the mansions (relationship) ever fall (fail),
The one alone will have nothing at all. (destitute, alone, broken)

I’m tired of the shack. I’m tired of the one way street that leads to the mansion. I’m tired of what I built.

If I had a friend I’d have the kind you could count on to always be there no matter what. The kind of friend that always understands what your going through and will stick by you even when it’s rough to do so.

Since I don’t have any friends at least there is family. They are the ones who are bound by blood to help you out when you need them the most. Oh wait, I don’t have any family either. At least not any that wouldn’t likely qualify as legally insane.

Without any family at least I have that sense of self that everyone learns from their loving parents.

Pft…..I have my own black hole to crawl into. I don’t need or want anyone around anyway. Maybe someday someone might miss me. Maybe no one will ever notice.

I can’t decide which video is better, so I will post both the original official music video and a fan made lyric one.  And that’s not to say I aim any intent at anyone in my posting.  If I were to I’d need to make a list and prob get some different songs…… I just like the song and it kinda fits in many ways how I feel today.

This morning I went to help my my mother with her battery problem.  I suppose its a “problem” when you sit in your truck for 15 min (more like an hour probably) to do paperwork (that you should probably do inside) and watch as the dome light for some strange reason gets dimmer.  And she thinks that because the truck now goes “click, click, click” she needs a starter (???).  It couldn’t possibly be her re-manufactured  Interstate Battery, that she believes to be better than sliced bread.  I got her jump started and going again.  Keep your kids outta the streets.  Just stay out of the streets period.  It’s not safe.

My mother purchased (well sorta) 4 new tires back at the beginning of winter.  Around October or November.  She bought 2 and the store was holding the other 2 for her.  The lady she babysits for paid off her other 2 for her for Christmas.  So all she had to do was take her truck in to get them put on.  Well she can’t even manage that.  She only got 1 of the 2 put on.  She said the guy at the store wanted to “crank the tire down” and he wanted “the crank” to do it.  First off, on a Blazer, like most trucks, has the spare tire under the back of the truck.  Yes mother, there IS a crank to turn to lower the tire down.  The tool the service tech wanted from her was simply the lug wrench – every vehicle comes with one.  She acted like he was speaking a foreign language.  She told him you didn’t need to crank it and she didn’t have the tool.  And the tech I’m sure wasn’t about to dig through her mess of a truck to find it.  So I lowered the rim down and put it in her backseat.

She is also driving around with only one windshield whipper.  The shaft the whipper arm attaches to is stripped out.  So I set up for her to get the parts from a local junkyard.  All she had to do was pay $25 for them and they would give her the parts.  Well she waited a month first off, then she goes in there and wonders why they sold the parts they had waiting for her.  So she demands they produce new parts – like now – for her and she threw a hissy fit when they wanted her to wait on them to get pulled off a car again.  So they sold her idiot ass broken parts.

I am just sure that she has not changed her oil since the last time I made sure she did.  Which has probably been 6 months ago.  So that got me to thinking………I wasn’t very car knowledgeable when I started driving.  No one explained to me how to keep track of the mileage of an oil change with the handy little sticker in the corner of the window.  Or how important to your cars future health doing so is.  She has a sticker in her window and I’ve told her too.  So she has no excuses.  What occurred to me though is this……..

Back when, my grandfather bought my grandmother a used car shortly before he passed away.  He had been ill for years and knew it was his time and wanted her to be ok.  She drove this car from the time they got it in 1981 or very early 82 (he passed in May of 82) until she passed in late 89.  Thinking back now I’m just sure the oil in her car got change maybe 2-3 times in all of those years.  We are talking 8 years there.  And even that was when she HAD to take it in to get something else fixed.  Usually at the Kmart garage – back when they had one.  So after my grandmother passed, her car needed an alternator put on it.  It wasn’t running when she died.  My mother bought the alternator and I put it on.  I was in high school and taking auto shop at the time.  BUT…….we never changed the oil!!  It was God knows how old and the car had been sitting a while as well.  But somehow it is my fault that it threw a rod and it blew up cause I was driving when it did.  And like any kid I probably did drive it a bit rough.  But not the day it blew.  I don’t know why it seems like some kind of a revelation that this car was likely running on sludge anyway.  I suppose my mother will always claim I blew it up……..I don’t care.  It was over 20 years ago now.  Just be the adult today and don’t blow up yours (I change my oil)…….I don’t even wanna hear it when you do.

The is no peace for me here. The worms ate into my brain years ago. There is no clairty and simply no understanding. I can’t go on any longer feeling the way I do. I tried to find ways to change it myself but have simply failed. As usual. So there is no way out but one.

If they really cared they would listen very closely.
If they actually heard then they would understand.
If they truly understood, the world would be a better place for it.