“You say that love goes anywhere,

In your darkest times, it’s just enough to know it’s there”

Polaris - Jimmy Eat World

—–

If that were so then why are all of my dark times when everyone turns away?  That’s when I become the problem not one wants around anymore.

If anyone really understood how I felt inside, they would know.  I suppose that’s part of the problem then.

—–

I think I finally found a doctor who gets it.  Most kids with ADD touch everything and are bouncing off the walls.  But he said some of them internalize all of that energy.  Which then becomes anxiety.  If your someone like me who doesn’t sleep restfully also, he said one way to really wake up is get angry.  A short fuse - I guess this too is quite common in ADD.  Many people with ADD use excessive amount of either caffeine or nicotine, because they are stimulants.  Stimulants are also meds used to treat ADD.  Not the same ones,  the caffeine and nicotine are to be avoided actually.  I don’t smoke but can’t stay away from pop, and now coffee.

—–

I can’t explain being stuck inside any better than that.  Why things get frozen in anxiety.  Maybe it’s just me

They say you always hurt the ones you love the most……..  Even when you don’t mean to.

The ocean has immense depth, yet on the surface only glass reflecting the mood of the changing sky, stealing it’s blue and absorbing it’s cries.  Beneath the surface calm lies things yet unknown to human eyes.  Some of the most beautiful tropical ecosystems, thriving in loving seclusion.  Other parts, devoid of light and home to only the strangest life forms, far beyond the reach of modern technology.  Untouched or tainted, reacting only to the changes impacted by distant causes.  Are theses impacts then as intended, or indeed inconsequential?  The glass facade broken only by the upheaval of angry waves and the swirling discontent of the depths.  Heaving, crashing and ultimately falling, only to return to it’s previous state of empty reflectance.  It’s only friend the infinite sky and the fish that know.

Walls are to built to keep people out, or to keep things in.  A newly constructed wall may seem to be just the addition you wanted.  Given time all walls seem to crack and crumble, either from within or without.  Some are constructed on unstable ground and need frequently amended.  Some are built for all the wrong reasons and some for survival.  Some walls are the only protection from invasion in the cold, dark, night.  These walls are generally the toughest type made.  Built to withstand the thrown stones and motor fire.  Yet stand on in quiet servitude.

Some walls are as old as all of humanity.  Erected to fight an ancient battle, that long since lost meaning or bearing.  Yet the walls of their ancient fortresses remain.  Standing still against the sun and storm alike.  Holding firm despite their cracks.  They stand against the rain and cold, as they have always done since time unknown.

Some walls are made a prison.  To hold within that which is deemed unbearable.  The pent up place where the unwanted are stuffed, til claustrophobia sets in.  The walls of this dungeon are deep enough to stifle all the cries.

What’s the point anyway?  It all ends the same.  Does it really mater?

Indifference - Pearl Jam

I will light the match this mornin’, so I won’t be alone
Watch as she lies silent, for soon that will be gone
Oh, I will stand arms outstretched, pretend I’m free to roam
Oh, I will make my way, through, one more day in Hell…
How much difference does it make
How much difference does it make

I will hold the candle til it burns up my arm
Oh, I’ll keep takin’ punches until their will grows tired
Oh, I will stare the sun down until my eyes go blind
Hey, I won’t change direction, and I won’t change my mind
How much difference does it make
Mmm, how much difference does it make…how much difference…

I’ll swallow poison, until I grow immune
I will scream my lungs out till it fills this room
How much difference
How much difference
How much difference does it make
How much difference does it make

————————————

The One Alone

Within my heart there are a thousand mansions,
With room enough for all cares and concerns,
A place to give with room to enter,
But no one knows, Who is the renter?
But still in my heart there is an emptier,
A place much darker and harder to find,
Barley a shack does stand here,
Amidst the darkness and the fear,
Where skeletons live and trash is thrown,
The one inside lives all alone,
Lives alone and works the same,
Cares after the mansions and has no name,
But should the mansions ever fall,
The one alone will have nothing at all.

————————————

When you done all you knew you could
And absorbed all the the hurt to your own
Til there was nothing left to give only emptiness
Sometimes that which is needed most
Seems used up and outta stock
That doesn’t equal a lack of caring
Just broken depleatedness

Lost

Is not a tree, that came before me,
So who would care, if I was not there?
There is no air, from way down here,
Just let me go, it can not be,
There is no light, this darkest night,
There is no way for me to find,
My way back this uphill climb,
Lost inside and mostly blind,
Only stones for those to throw,
At who they do not really know,
Shout above the empty cries,
And fire consumes then all the lies,
Until there’s nothing left to know,
Unto this place we all shall go,
Alone.

My sight is falling apart like everything else.  I can’t be all of the things people seem to expect of me.  I don’t know any answers.  I don’t have the time, the gas, the money, the patience or the energy.  I can’t concintrate enough on my own problems to even get trough one semister of school.  I feel like I barely made it.  I am supposed to know how to do all of this trade funding paperwork and get everything set up,  THIS WEEK!!  I don’t begin to know how.  And I’m supposed to resolve my mothers 15 year problem with her license - she neglected it.  I’m supposed to know everything going on with the kids, and get all of the housework done at home.  I don’t know what I need to do to get my head on straight.  No one knows the anixiety all of it causes.  Maybe I should just give up caring and crawl in a hole.  I can’t deal with it all like this……….

A whole lot has happened lately.  I finally quit Wal-Mart.  I took my first college class.  It was a two week sociology course.  Just finished it Tues when I turned in my second and last exam.  I got an A on the first one, so I’m hoping to do well on the second one also and maybe get an A for the class.  This week the full summer term started.  So now I have three online classes.  It seems like I don’t know what is expected of me in these classes yet.  It all seems so confusing.  There are nine hundred links and I guess you need to be well versed to know what is really important and where they hide the actual instructions as to what you are to be working on.  I am considering dropping at least a couple of these classes in exchange for taking them at the campus.  It may be more effective for me to take them that way.  I think it would work schedule wise, but it is just a lot of extra driving and gas money that right now we really don’t have.  So I don’t know what to do.  Stay where I am at, and hope I don’t drown, I guess.

Also looks like everything so far is on track for getting my fall term paid for by the gov.  Since my former employer Electrolux is moving some of their work to Mexico I will qualify for schooling under the trade act.  I know they filled for coverage on the 19th.  Should take maybe a month to hear back then I will hopefully have more info.

Some of our creditors have also made payments to our accounts this past month.  Come to find out all of the credit protections that they offer you for unemployment (like me) have to be renewed each month.  So each month we have to submit a new form and the insurers no doubt hope that they can screw us out of benefits.  Since I am now in school and will probably be unemployed for a while, it seems like a giant pain.  Whats really disgusting is this will get us out of debt faster than we could have ever done ourselves though.  Assuming we don’t get screwed in the process.

I think we may yank what few pennies I have in my 401k out and use some of my student loan money to pay off one car payment.  Really - it’s not that bad I barely had over 1000 in the 401k - so that shouldn’t be to painful.  We just need rid of some bills.  That will allow me to be a full-time student.  Yay!! (?)  Well maybe….if I survive it all.

A lot has happened in the last month.  I officially start school tomorrow.  My first class to start is an accelerated 2 week sociology class.  Then I will have 4 more classes start on the 27th after this one is done.  One of those is a speech class that is also an accelerated class and will only last 3 weeks.  The other three will last all summer.  The unemployment people will waive my job search as soon as school begins full time on the 27th.  Going to school for a Business Information Systems degree.  It’s mostly computer programming.

My wife got finally got here 60 day notice from her work a week or two ago.  We knew it was coming but it still hurt that she was losing her job also.  That situation got resolved on Friday though because she accepted an offer for another position with the same company she has been working for.  The pay will be the same, but there is more room for advancement.  The main difference for us is now she will have to go into the office instead of working from home.  Kinda sucks but I guess we knew that would come also.  But at least we are not both unemployed anymore.  Well, she was never really, but just on the verge of it.

Gotta get up tomorrow and change routines again!!! BOOO!!! HISS!!!  I have to drive about 40 miles to my sociology class at 8am.  So I gotta get around early, fight the wife and kids for shower space, and run out the door.  Not sure what to expect tomorrow.  Scared to think of what I’m getting into.  Too late to turn back now, wouldn’t want to anyway.  Hopefully it will be kinda fun.