The Gift  by Seether

Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I’ll let this go and find a reason I’ll hold on to
I’m so ashamed of defeat
And I’m out of reason to believe in me
I’m out of trying to get by

I’m so afraid of the gift you give me
I don’t belong here and I’m not well
I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living
Right on the wrong side of it all

I can’t face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I’m so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I’ll let it go
Untill I have something more to say for me
I’m so afraid of defeat
And I’m out of reason to believe in me
I’m out of trying to defy

I’m so afraid of the gift you give me
I don’t belong here and I’m not well
I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need

I’m so afraid of the gift you give me
I don’t belong here and I’m not well
I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Now I’m ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I’m so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me…

The gift, the present, the here and now - the gift of life given moment by moment directly from God.  But what if your gift were the wrong color?  Or the wrong shape or size?  What if your gift didn’t seem to make you happy?  Does that mean your a terrible selfish little person?  Whatever became of the inner peace that was supposed to be included?  Did I misplace it?  Why do my instructions seem written in a foreign language?  I can’t seem to realize where I went wrong - but I’m sure I did.  I suppose I am just tired.  Buried in too many worries that I can’t seem to effect.  Tired of worrying over things that are probably pointless. Tired of going in circles.

I went a couple of days ago to a drug screen for a job I am starting.  A third job, just on Saturdays, through a temp service.  I have no reason to fear a drug screen ’cause that isn’t me - nothing to hide here.  But this one freaked me out.  The woman doing the test may have well looked inside of me and knew all there was to see.  I was only there ten minutes tops, but she seemed to know all about me, of sorts.  She asked where the job was, and I told her, and that it was my third.  She said good for me for doing that, and asked if I ever saw my kids.  I said yes, some.  She chuckled and said that she heard that I see them “enough”.  I admitted that they were both autistic.  She started to tell me all about the gluten and casein free diet that some people claim have helped their autistic children.  We have actually already tried it I explained.  She encouraged me that we should have stuck with it.  She tells me about her ex-husband who has celiac disease.  That’s basically very similar to this diet.  People with celiac disease are unable to digest gluten properly.  She said that her ex was really messed up when she met him, with his diet.  She diagnosed him as having celiac disease, and helped to get him started on a gluten free diet.  She said that she thought that having fixed his medical problems he could become a better person.  She related it to pealing back the layers of an onion.  But she said instead she “released a narcissistic monster on the world”.  She said he was a very intelligent guy who worked for Microsoft and makes a six figure income, but he’s a jerk. I admitted to her that I had tried the diet with the children and felt that I had some kind of effect on me.  It changed my bathroom habits and messed up my digestion to put it nicely.  She said I sounded like I may be a celiac.  Can’t really say I’m really surprised at all by this though.  It has to be either this or diabetes that is making me so tired all the time.  And I know from past experience that the gluten free diet made me feel better.  Somewhat more energetic, but mostly more clear minded.  Brain fog is a common complaint for a celiac and that would fit me too.  She asked if I ever had rages or panic attacks.  I don’t think I would call them rages, but my mood does frequently spin on a dime.  I’m not sure about the panic attacks, maybe.  Apparently the gluten that the body can’t absorb leaks out of the gut (as peptides) and into the bloodstream where ultimately it affects mood.  So maybe that’s a medical explanation why I’m crazy.

But it’s not just me.  Caleb is also very cranky most of the time.  Is it learned behavior?  Genetics?  Or too much gluten (and casein) that he can’t digest?

So what if I’m the same onion as her ex?  I had to look up narcissistic ’cause I wasn’t sure what that meant, so I wil include a link to that defination.  I think it mostly fits.  I could be (and have been) easily accused of being self-centered and selfish.