As of late I have gotten pretty tired of worrying about things that I can’t seem to control. Job loss, finances, and just the world around me as a whole. I would love to find a way to find that calm that seems to be missing from today. To take a breath and release it all from my hands. So lately, at least for the last couple of days, I have been listening to more talk radio and audio books instead of my usual list of somewhat dark mp3s. I found that they were making me more sad and even angry. I even turned off the radio in the car. I have decided that I have control of what I put into my own head and if it’s getting a bit too depressing then maybe it’s time to change something. I have found the audio book “The Magic of Thinking Big” by David Schwartz to be be pretty interesting. It’s about building self-confidence and learning to think like successful people do. Next I am gonna try “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne. And at some point will probably attempt to listen to the whole Bible.

Tomorrow is my last day at Electrolux. Then I am officially laid-off. Not looking forward to tomorrow, I think it will be too depressing. Saying goodbye to co-workers and the people and things you do and see every day - probably for good. To be without my normal routine and “purpose” will leave me struggling to find a new one. I think that right now is kinda a pivotal time for me, but I would like things to just stop spinning around so quickly. I do hope that somehow this job loss will lead to something better and more meaningful. Something with more purpose and fulfillment. Something in a completely new direction. Maybe something off the deep end?

I have been working three jobs lately.  A full-time day job at Electrolux (A.K.A. Frigidaire - making washer and dryers), part-time evenings at Wal-Mart, and a Saturday job through a temp service.  It’s been pretty hard to keep up with all of that but I have been getting by, cause I really have no other choice.  Well today that all ends.  Or I should say ends next Friday when I get laid-off at Electrolux.  They posted the lasted lay-off list today and it finally got to me.  I have basically known this was coming for a long time now, but that really doesn’t make it any easier.  Electrolux is moving part of the plant - only one line they claim - to Mexico.  I don’t think anyone really believes that story and is scared to admit it to themselves. But the whole plant is probably gonna close.  They have been phasing out two other lines also, that doesn’t leave much.  I can’t imagine they will keep the plant open with only two lines left after this and a new plant already built in Mexico.  I have been there over seven years and being a union facility it all goes by seniority, who gets laid-off.  Lowest senior, or last hired, is the first to go.  After several lay-offs since thanksgiving and probably close to 400 good workers later, it’s my turn to go.  YEAH!  I don’t mind the time off, cause there are a lot off things that I would like to do/finish around the house.  But most of these probably require some $s.  And I have been really burnt out with the three job thing.  So I am so ready for a break.  But that unfortunately wont pay the bills, and we have plenty of those also.  We are hoping that between the insurance we got on some of the credit accounts that will make our payments, my wife’s income, my part time income(s), and what little I may get in unemployment, we will be able to make due.  I guess we will know better in a couple three weeks.  I suppose I shouldn’t expect a call back from Electrolux, the plant will probably be gone first.  My last day worked will be March 27, so the last check will be April 3.  I guess we will know after that if we are going to starve or die.  Weather or not we can continue to afford our car payments or worse our house.  We are also struggling now with health insurance concerns, cause I carried that too.  I’m not feeling very optimistic about any of it. I’m not sure if, or how, it’s gonna work.

While I am on my financial roll, I would like to say I think Bernard Madoff is the lowest form off turd burglar.  A turd burglar sneaks in your back door and steals your shit right outta your shorts without your knowledge.  To steal from charities and retirement accounts and tons of plain average people is just so so low.  He deserves to have his turds burgled everyday in prison for his part in what has become of the economy.

Vermilion, Pt. 2 by Slipknot

She seemed dressed in all of me, stretched across my shame.
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through and covered me
I’d do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself
Now I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do
when she makes me sad.

She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable, Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do
when she makes me sad.

But I won’t let this build up inside of me
I won’t let this build up inside of me
I won’t let this build up inside of me
I won’t let this build up inside of me

A catch in my throat, choke
Torn into pieces
I won’t, no
I don’t wanna be this

But I won’t let this build up inside of me
I won’t let this build up inside of me
I won’t let this build up inside of me
I won’t let this build up inside of me

She isn’t real
I can’t make her real
She isn’t real
I can’t make her real

Crystal is the half sister that I believe I have on my fathers side, who I have never met and may never locate.  She may as well be a ghost.  My father I have also never met, because he denies me.  I know who he is, and where.  He has two sons who he does caim as his own, with his wife.  They have also never met Crystal.  For these sins against his children he will someday answer.

Twilight

This place grows old, the ground so cold,
Time passes by, it seems harder to try,
As darkness replaces light, and day turns to night,

Twilight

People have lost their warmth and smiles,
Most of us had them at least for a while,
Courtesies gone and faded away,
Taken its place only anger and rage,

Twilight

Understanding only whats in it for me,
Maybe this was never supposed to be,
Where did you go? Never letting me be,

Twilight

Secrets kept neatly hidden under the rug,
For those who will trample and stomp above,
Until the night came to steal it away,
And turn everything the darkest of gray,

Twilight

The dark now has come, and all is undone,
The day that once was, all wasted and gone,
Until the first light of the new morning Sun,
Created a new place just for you,
Where you can be free of the twilight you see.

My horoscope said a coupe of days ago that I was in the perfect mood to write a poem. So I did. Just being slow to publish it. Not sure I was done with it. Its kinda about the downturn of society over the last X years/decades, in part. Sorta apocalyptic too, but has many meanings.