Indifference - Pearl Jam

I will light the match this mornin’, so I won’t be alone
Watch as she lies silent, for soon that will be gone
Oh, I will stand arms outstretched, pretend I’m free to roam
Oh, I will make my way, through, one more day in Hell…
How much difference does it make
How much difference does it make

I will hold the candle til it burns up my arm
Oh, I’ll keep takin’ punches until their will grows tired
Oh, I will stare the sun down until my eyes go blind
Hey, I won’t change direction, and I won’t change my mind
How much difference does it make
Mmm, how much difference does it make…how much difference…

I’ll swallow poison, until I grow immune
I will scream my lungs out till it fills this room
How much difference
How much difference
How much difference does it make
How much difference does it make

————————————

The One Alone

Within my heart there are a thousand mansions,
With room enough for all cares and concerns,
A place to give with room to enter,
But no one knows, Who is the renter?
But still in my heart there is an emptier,
A place much darker and harder to find,
Barley a shack does stand here,
Amidst the darkness and the fear,
Where skeletons live and trash is thrown,
The one inside lives all alone,
Lives alone and works the same,
Cares after the mansions and has no name,
But should the mansions ever fall,
The one alone will have nothing at all.

————————————

When you done all you knew you could
And absorbed all the the hurt to your own
Til there was nothing left to give only emptiness
Sometimes that which is needed most
Seems used up and outta stock
That doesn’t equal a lack of caring
Just broken depleatedness

Lost

Is not a tree, that came before me,
So who would care, if I was not there?
There is no air, from way down here,
Just let me go, it can not be,
There is no light, this darkest night,
There is no way for me to find,
My way back this uphill climb,
Lost inside and mostly blind,
Only stones for those to throw,
At who they do not really know,
Shout above the empty cries,
And fire consumes then all the lies,
Until there’s nothing left to know,
Unto this place we all shall go,
Alone.

My sight is falling apart like everything else.  I can’t be all of the things people seem to expect of me.  I don’t know any answers.  I don’t have the time, the gas, the money, the patience or the energy.  I can’t concintrate enough on my own problems to even get trough one semister of school.  I feel like I barely made it.  I am supposed to know how to do all of this trade funding paperwork and get everything set up,  THIS WEEK!!  I don’t begin to know how.  And I’m supposed to resolve my mothers 15 year problem with her license - she neglected it.  I’m supposed to know everything going on with the kids, and get all of the housework done at home.  I don’t know what I need to do to get my head on straight.  No one knows the anixiety all of it causes.  Maybe I should just give up caring and crawl in a hole.  I can’t deal with it all like this……….

A whole lot has happened lately.  I finally quit Wal-Mart.  I took my first college class.  It was a two week sociology course.  Just finished it Tues when I turned in my second and last exam.  I got an A on the first one, so I’m hoping to do well on the second one also and maybe get an A for the class.  This week the full summer term started.  So now I have three online classes.  It seems like I don’t know what is expected of me in these classes yet.  It all seems so confusing.  There are nine hundred links and I guess you need to be well versed to know what is really important and where they hide the actual instructions as to what you are to be working on.  I am considering dropping at least a couple of these classes in exchange for taking them at the campus.  It may be more effective for me to take them that way.  I think it would work schedule wise, but it is just a lot of extra driving and gas money that right now we really don’t have.  So I don’t know what to do.  Stay where I am at, and hope I don’t drown, I guess.

Also looks like everything so far is on track for getting my fall term paid for by the gov.  Since my former employer Electrolux is moving some of their work to Mexico I will qualify for schooling under the trade act.  I know they filled for coverage on the 19th.  Should take maybe a month to hear back then I will hopefully have more info.

Some of our creditors have also made payments to our accounts this past month.  Come to find out all of the credit protections that they offer you for unemployment (like me) have to be renewed each month.  So each month we have to submit a new form and the insurers no doubt hope that they can screw us out of benefits.  Since I am now in school and will probably be unemployed for a while, it seems like a giant pain.  Whats really disgusting is this will get us out of debt faster than we could have ever done ourselves though.  Assuming we don’t get screwed in the process.

I think we may yank what few pennies I have in my 401k out and use some of my student loan money to pay off one car payment.  Really - it’s not that bad I barely had over 1000 in the 401k - so that shouldn’t be to painful.  We just need rid of some bills.  That will allow me to be a full-time student.  Yay!! (?)  Well maybe….if I survive it all.

A lot has happened in the last month.  I officially start school tomorrow.  My first class to start is an accelerated 2 week sociology class.  Then I will have 4 more classes start on the 27th after this one is done.  One of those is a speech class that is also an accelerated class and will only last 3 weeks.  The other three will last all summer.  The unemployment people will waive my job search as soon as school begins full time on the 27th.  Going to school for a Business Information Systems degree.  It’s mostly computer programming.

My wife got finally got here 60 day notice from her work a week or two ago.  We knew it was coming but it still hurt that she was losing her job also.  That situation got resolved on Friday though because she accepted an offer for another position with the same company she has been working for.  The pay will be the same, but there is more room for advancement.  The main difference for us is now she will have to go into the office instead of working from home.  Kinda sucks but I guess we knew that would come also.  But at least we are not both unemployed anymore.  Well, she was never really, but just on the verge of it.

Gotta get up tomorrow and change routines again!!! BOOO!!! HISS!!!  I have to drive about 40 miles to my sociology class at 8am.  So I gotta get around early, fight the wife and kids for shower space, and run out the door.  Not sure what to expect tomorrow.  Scared to think of what I’m getting into.  Too late to turn back now, wouldn’t want to anyway.  Hopefully it will be kinda fun.

So after plenty of weeks of worry and stew about what I will do WHEN I get laid-off, now that it’s here, I think I can turn with the tide and embrace it.  I used to think the most important thing was, of course, finding a new job, and averting the crisis.  Then I slowly started to think that I would really like the time off.  We came to the realization that with the unemployment and the additional insurance that we purchased on some of our credit accounts, that we could probably get by.  Now I have had another realization - we could get by for a long time.  We are talking like pretty much two years long.  At full unemployment benefits.  So I thought if I can get schooling paid for then why not kick back, be unemployed and go to school.  And let my former employer PAY.  That may sound kinda terrible but let me explain further.  This is by no means a done deal just yet, there are still plenty of hoops to jump through.  By enrolling in school the unemployment will waive the two jobs a week I have to apply for, so I can get retrained.  The insurance that we have on some of our credit accounts will actually pay off some of our debt if I stay on unemployment for a while.  We also have had a problem with getting funding for our two autistic boys to go to a day camp for the summer.  Basically it is summer child care but they do more things.  So now that I am unemployed that’s not a problem either.  We will get funding for that as long as my unempoyment continues through the summer.  So at this point I’m thinking I would be better off if I just stayed unempoyeed and got all of these benefits.  I could get in a two year degree in that time.  Two of our cars will be paid off in two years time.  And I am saving tons of gas and milage on those cars by not driving much of anywhere.  I did give up my Saturday job that I had through a temp service.  It was cutting too much into the unemployment.  I guess my plan is to continue to work part time at Wal-Mart and go to school.  This is really probably my last chance to go to school at 36, so I suppose it’s now or not ever.  At this point my biggest fear would be that Electrolux may actually call me back.  That would really mess up the whole plan.  As far as I care let ‘em go on to Mexico, they can keep paying me on their way out.  I’m gonna get all I can outta this.

As I said previous I tried listening to “The Magic of Thinking Big” by David Schwartz and then “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne.  I thought “The Magic of Thinking Big ” was ok - interesting - but also kinda disappointing.  The copy I was listening to obviously was not the whole book, but rather some kind of overview on cassette.  Cheez - Zee.  But the book is probably a good read.

I was impressed with “The Secret” though.  It is all about the belief in the law of attraction, and how you would use this law to better yourself and your life.  The law of attraction is (here’s the crazy part) basically the idea that your thoughts are like magnets and attract more like thoughts, and actually things into your life.  More like we, as people, are the magnets, and we are able to shape our existance by thought.  Positive thoughts would bring good things to you and help you achieve whatever you wanted to.  Negative thought would basically bring about more negative thoughts and potentially call into being more negative experiences.  The audio book I got details how this pretains to many aspects of life in various chapters such as health, money, relationships, etc.

OK, so I would probably write this off as crap except it seems to parallel the actions of Jesus in the Bible and many other great teachers and thinkers too.  You’d probably have to hear it know what I mean.  Jesus would meditate and pray - quite his mind - and believe in the impossible.  He never hurried, and was kind even to those who rose up against him.  It seems to me this is much the same type thing here.  What if in all of life, we have all totally missed the point?  What if most people have no idea what we are, or what to believe in?  Are we really just a meat suit?  A mammal evolved from an ape?  Or are we divinely created?  If so, then is it so far fetched to believe that we are all really just energy?  A part of something greater.

All that aside I think there exists a lot of truth in “The Secret”.  Things any good councilor would tell a person.  To love yourself, dismiss negative thoughts right away, and believe in your possibility.  I guess I just find this to be quite a challange, or rather a frustration.  I can’t really say if it works or not cause I can’t seem to hold a happy mood for more than five minutes.  So the theory goes more sad and/or angery thoughts are only going to attract more of the like.  I seem to be pretty good at it after all.

As of late I have gotten pretty tired of worrying about things that I can’t seem to control. Job loss, finances, and just the world around me as a whole. I would love to find a way to find that calm that seems to be missing from today. To take a breath and release it all from my hands. So lately, at least for the last couple of days, I have been listening to more talk radio and audio books instead of my usual list of somewhat dark mp3s. I found that they were making me more sad and even angry. I even turned off the radio in the car. I have decided that I have control of what I put into my own head and if it’s getting a bit too depressing then maybe it’s time to change something. I have found the audio book “The Magic of Thinking Big” by David Schwartz to be be pretty interesting. It’s about building self-confidence and learning to think like successful people do. Next I am gonna try “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne. And at some point will probably attempt to listen to the whole Bible.

Tomorrow is my last day at Electrolux. Then I am officially laid-off. Not looking forward to tomorrow, I think it will be too depressing. Saying goodbye to co-workers and the people and things you do and see every day - probably for good. To be without my normal routine and “purpose” will leave me struggling to find a new one. I think that right now is kinda a pivotal time for me, but I would like things to just stop spinning around so quickly. I do hope that somehow this job loss will lead to something better and more meaningful. Something with more purpose and fulfillment. Something in a completely new direction. Maybe something off the deep end?

I have been working three jobs lately.  A full-time day job at Electrolux (A.K.A. Frigidaire - making washer and dryers), part-time evenings at Wal-Mart, and a Saturday job through a temp service.  It’s been pretty hard to keep up with all of that but I have been getting by, cause I really have no other choice.  Well today that all ends.  Or I should say ends next Friday when I get laid-off at Electrolux.  They posted the lasted lay-off list today and it finally got to me.  I have basically known this was coming for a long time now, but that really doesn’t make it any easier.  Electrolux is moving part of the plant - only one line they claim - to Mexico.  I don’t think anyone really believes that story and is scared to admit it to themselves. But the whole plant is probably gonna close.  They have been phasing out two other lines also, that doesn’t leave much.  I can’t imagine they will keep the plant open with only two lines left after this and a new plant already built in Mexico.  I have been there over seven years and being a union facility it all goes by seniority, who gets laid-off.  Lowest senior, or last hired, is the first to go.  After several lay-offs since thanksgiving and probably close to 400 good workers later, it’s my turn to go.  YEAH!  I don’t mind the time off, cause there are a lot off things that I would like to do/finish around the house.  But most of these probably require some $s.  And I have been really burnt out with the three job thing.  So I am so ready for a break.  But that unfortunately wont pay the bills, and we have plenty of those also.  We are hoping that between the insurance we got on some of the credit accounts that will make our payments, my wife’s income, my part time income(s), and what little I may get in unemployment, we will be able to make due.  I guess we will know better in a couple three weeks.  I suppose I shouldn’t expect a call back from Electrolux, the plant will probably be gone first.  My last day worked will be March 27, so the last check will be April 3.  I guess we will know after that if we are going to starve or die.  Weather or not we can continue to afford our car payments or worse our house.  We are also struggling now with health insurance concerns, cause I carried that too.  I’m not feeling very optimistic about any of it. I’m not sure if, or how, it’s gonna work.

While I am on my financial roll, I would like to say I think Bernard Madoff is the lowest form off turd burglar.  A turd burglar sneaks in your back door and steals your shit right outta your shorts without your knowledge.  To steal from charities and retirement accounts and tons of plain average people is just so so low.  He deserves to have his turds burgled everyday in prison for his part in what has become of the economy.

Vermilion, Pt. 2 by Slipknot

She seemed dressed in all of me, stretched across my shame.
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through and covered me
I’d do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself
Now I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do
when she makes me sad.

She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable, Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do
when she makes me sad.

But I won’t let this build up inside of me
I won’t let this build up inside of me
I won’t let this build up inside of me
I won’t let this build up inside of me

A catch in my throat, choke
Torn into pieces
I won’t, no
I don’t wanna be this

But I won’t let this build up inside of me
I won’t let this build up inside of me
I won’t let this build up inside of me
I won’t let this build up inside of me

She isn’t real
I can’t make her real
She isn’t real
I can’t make her real

Crystal is the half sister that I believe I have on my fathers side, who I have never met and may never locate.  She may as well be a ghost.  My father I have also never met, because he denies me.  I know who he is, and where.  He has two sons who he does caim as his own, with his wife.  They have also never met Crystal.  For these sins against his children he will someday answer.